I turned around just in time to see it. My usually super sweet 3-year-old walked right up to another child, used one hand to snatch the pretend cupcake out of her hand, and pushed her down with the other. “BANG!” Her head hit the floor, and she screamed.
My heart plummeted. How could he hurt someone like that?
Through my years teaching, I’ve had the privilege of watching many students radiate with kindness. I’ve also seen the negative effects of kiddos who struggle to be kind to others.
It made me wonder, “How do I instill kindness in my child?” I want my boys to always be thoughtful of others and lead a lifestyle of kindness. That won’t just happen, I have to cultivate it. But how?
7 Simple Activities to Instill Kindness in Your Child
1. Read the Right Books
Reading is important for many reasons, but what you read matters too! Read books that show characters being kind to each other, and when you’re finished talk with your child about what they noticed.
- How did {the act of kindness} make each character feel?
- How can you do some of these same things?
- Who can you show kindness to?
- What are some kind things you can do for others?
Our Favorite Must Reads About Kindness
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It’s Great To Be Kind (Let’s Get Along)
Have You Filled a Bucket Today? by Carol McCloud
Everyone everywhere carries an invisible bucket. This book explains kindness in a very concrete way that makes it easy for kids to understand, and it inspires them to fill people’s buckets wherever they go!
A Little Spot of Kindness by Diane Alber
Little Spot goes on a journey to SPOT ways to be kind, and inspires kids to be kind also!
Enemy Pie shows that enemies can become best friends…if only you’ll give them a chance.
2. Send Your Child on a Secret Mission
I’ll never forget when I saw the Facebook post. She shared a picture of the note I had written that morning and the little pack of m&m’s (her favorite candy.) She thanked whoever wrote her the encouraging note, it made her day. My face beamed, my plan worked and she had no idea it was me.
I love to do little things for people in secret.
When you have young children it is important to draw attention to the little, everyday acts of kindness you do. Children might not notice these small things you do on their own, but if you talk about what you’re doing, you’ll get them thinking about things they can do for others.
Better yet, invite your children to join you! “Hey! I’ve been thinking, we really appreciate our mailman. He brings us important mail every day. What could we do to make him smile?” (Get a little snack, make a thank you card, draw a picture… all things your child can do!) After you pose the question, step back and allow your child to take charge. If they want to draw a picture, as imperfect as it might be, encourage it!
I love grocery pick-up, mostly because I absolutely hate going into the store. If Jacob decides he wants to give the mailman a snack, we will venture into the store so he can pick it out.
Adding something to my pick-up order would be easier, but that would rob Jacob of the opportunity to make a thoughtful choice about what our mailman might like. This is part of empathy, which is an important skill to practice too!
Send your child on a secret mission to:
- Make the mail carrier smile (leave a note, card, or snack in the mailbox!)
- Do something kind for a neighbor
- Bake a yummy snack and take it to your local fire department/police station to thank them for their work
- Make a picture for a family member you haven’t seen in a while, and take it to them or mail it
- Write a letter to a special friend telling them what you love about them
- Make a meal and take it to a friend who feels under the weather
- Take a donation to your local food bank
- Allow your child to brainstorm a list of people they would like to help and how
- Do something kind for a younger sibling or cousin
- Do a chore for an elderly neighbor
- Take your child shopping for food to donate to a food bank.
- Have your child clean out their toys and take them to donate to a foster closet or orphanage.
- Volunteer for a service project with your family.
- Find a way to help your child serve people in your community.
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3. Go Around the Table at Dinner
Generosity begins with thankfulness. Kids who are thankful are more aware of the acts of kindness people have done for them, and they’re more willing to give and help others in need.
Having everyone say three things they are thankful for every night at dinner is a great way to promote thankfulness. You could be thankful for something that happened that day, something as simple as a beautiful sunrise or the vibrant colors of the leaves, or that bag of chocolate you’ve hidden in the back of the freezer. (Oh wait, don’t share your secret out loud!) Help your child notice the little things and develop a thankful heart.
4. Ask Them About Feelings
With younger children, it’s most meaningful to acknowledge how others have been kind to them. They know how others have made them feel. Point out when someone lets them go first in line. Talk about how a stranger held the door open for you when you had your hands full. Always discuss the kindness of family members.
For older children, you can more easily talk about how your actions make others feel. They’ve had enough experience with their own emotions that they’re more capable of using empathy to figure out how someone else feels.
Have intentional discussions with your older children:
- What do you think your neighbor was feeling when you left flowers on their doorstep?
- How did you make the firefighters feel when you took cookies to the fire station?
- What do you think your teacher felt when you wrote her a note telling her how much you appreciated her and why?
- How did doing those things make you feel?
5. Remember They’re Watching
Children learn how to treat others by watching us. If we make judgmental comments about others, even at home and not actually to the other person, your child will think this is how we treat people.
On the other hand, inviting the child to intentionally spend some time brainstorming and coming up with unique ways to be kind to others will teach them to think of other people and make a lifestyle of kindness.
Your children are studying how you talk, how you act, and what you do. They’re learning attitudes, emotions, and reactions from you. Be intentional about what they’re learning.
6. Let Them Help
“I spilled some, Mommy!” Jacob was helping me cook, and a cup of flour just went all over the kitchen floor. I took a deep breath. “That’s ok, buddy. We can clean it up when we’re done.”
Anytime Jacob asks to help, I find a way for him to help. Things don’t always get done as quickly or to the same standard if I did the task on my own, but I’m growing his helpful attitude and his belief in himself that he’s a helper.
If I went behind him and “fixed” everything he did, that would teach him I can do it better than him, and kill his helpful spirit. Eventually, he wouldn’t want to help anymore.
By fostering the belief that he’s a helper, he’ll continue to find ways to help-at home and elsewhere!
7. Set Clear Expectations
BAM, my tower came crashing to the ground. Jacob and I were playing with blocks, and he thought, as young boys do, that it would be fun to destroy my tower.
Did I care about the tower? Nope. Did I care that he knocked it down? Not really, but if he does that to one of his friends, will they care? Yes.
We talked about how that wasn’t kind, and what he should do instead. When he is playing blocks with friends, he can knock down his own tower. He can ask his friend if he can knock down their tower. If they say “no,” he needs to respect that!
Paint a picture of kindness and what you expect your child to do, and then practice at home.
For example, Jacob and his Daddy love to play “grrrr”, which is the special name Jacob made up for roughhousing. He adores that special playtime with his Daddy. What will happen if Jacob goes to pre-school and runs at one of the other kids full speed and tries to tackle them?
He’ll hurt someone.
Without setting clear expectations for play in different places, Jacob would be confused. He’s playing exactly the same way he plays at home, why wouldn’t it be ok at school?
These special ways we play with our kids are important, so remember to have an intentional conversation before or after play. “We play like this at home because some special things we do with only Mommy/Daddy. We can’t play like this at school, you’re so strong that you might hurt someone!”
Remember, your child learns how to treat people by how they treat you. Set a standard of kindness. When Jacob talks to me in an unkind tone, he needs to rephrase his statement in a “kind, calm voice” before we can continue our conversation. He will not be allowed to talk to me, or his friends, in a disrespectful way.
It All Boils Down to This…
Your child won’t magically become kind. Thoughtfulness is a learned skill. Thankfully, with a little intentionality, it isn’t difficult to teach! Kids learn kindness by how you treat them and watching how you treat others.
Want More?
If you liked this, you’ll love:
- 6 Simple Ways to Teach Your Child Responsibility
- Fostering Independence in Young Children
- 4 Ways to Help Your Child Practice Self-Help Skills
Your Turn
How do you teach your child kindness? Share in a comment below!
Wonderful post, we are responsible to raise a kind human being and we need to instill kindness from the very beginning. Yes I agree with you we should let them help and make them show the effect of kindness.
These are all great ideas! I realize that many times I would jump in and do things myself because it’s easier or quicker. This is so much better letting the child take the control! Thanks!